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Many years ago, when I lived alone in a house I owned in Fort Myers, Florida, my home got broken into. I came home from a Fourth of July evening out to find my back door wide-open, and a number of my valuables missing.
My instinctive reaction was the exact one you are not supposed to have—the response you see from characters in movies where you are screaming at the screen at them for being so unwise: I grabbed a butcher knife and walked furiously through my house, outraged that someone would dare to force their way into my home and take what was not theirs. As I walked around wielding my ridiculous weapon I did call 911, and the very wise operator, on learning what I was doing, immediately instructed me to get out of the house and wait for the police.
In the days that followed I felt a toxic cocktail of violated and enraged and fearful. I debated all the usual responses: buying a gun to defend myself and my home, slapping bars on the windows the way I did when I lived alone in Manhattan in the nineties. Strong suspicions pointed to the fact that it was the wayward kids of a neighbor who had made a habit of local B&Es, but I had no evidence to connect and convict them the way I wanted to.
But as the days went on, I realized that I was causing myself much more anguish than the actual break-in had. I was letting the actions of bad actors dictate the way I lived my life and my mental state. I could choose as a result to live in fear and anger. Or I could limit their power to what damage they had actually inflicted and refuse to grant them one more inch of real estate in my life than that.
I chose the latter. I did not add any security to my house. I bought no weapon. I did not allow myself to fill with resentment or hate at those who were responsible.
The one response to the incident that I did take was to get a dog, a decision I had been wrestling with for some weeks at that time, having grown up with fairly severe allergies but desperately wanting a pet to love and share my home with. My police officer brother informed me that having any kind of dog in the house lessens your chance of a break-in by a lot, so I let it be a sign that getting the dog I yearned for would outweigh whatever inconveniences I incurred in trying to minimize my allergies (think lots of dog baths and much more vacuuming than I like to do).
I found Brinks at a local shelter, or rather he found me (that’s us in the banner photo) and transformed my solitary household from a me to a we. For 13 years he brought more joy into my life than I could ever have imagined, and I’ve had a steady string of beloved dogs since then who have broadened my capacity for love and increased my quality of life immeasurably.
Out of something bad I chose to create something good.
You Know What We’re Really Talking About Here
I’m not going to dance around the elephant in the room. A lot of people, particularly creatives who may be blessed with exceptional sensitivity and the ability to keenly imagine and extrapolate outcomes and scenarios, may be feeling concerned, disheartened, and frightened at the moment.
These are understandable reactions and feelings. There is likely to be increased suffering and hardship for many people as a result of what seems to be shifting in the world. And I’m not going to downplay how bad things might become for a lot of people, particularly the most vulnerable.
For many months now—or truthfully years, if I look at the big picture—I’ve been working on realizing what is within my control and what is not, and practicing detachment and acceptance of the many things that fall into the latter category. It’s the basis of my approach in The Intuitive Author that allows writers to build and maintain a sense of agency and autonomy in their careers so that they can find reward and joy in what can often be a challenging and difficult career, and it’s a mindset I’m very gratified in this moment to have been working to attain.
Bad things happen in life. They are a feature of it, not a bug—just as good things are. Much of what happens in the world around us is not ours to control. Buddhists will tell you that suffering is the true nature of all existence.
If we accept that suffering and pain are normal, then rather than being decimated by every fresh instance of it that we encounter, we are free to look for the joy and light and goodness that is available to us within this framework of life’s difficult realities.
That sounds bleak, but it can also be freeing, just as my philosophies about carving out a happier writing life are based on first accepting the often harsh realities of the publishing industry. If, as Westley tells Buttercup in The Princess Bride, life is pain, and we can accept that truth, then rather than being decimated by every fresh instance of suffering or pain we encounter, we are free to look for the joy and light and goodness that is available to us within this framework of life’s difficult realities.
Here’s what that kind of world building looks like for me right now. I do not remotely downplay how much suffering what is happening in our country and the world may bring to many. But if my mindset becomes one of fear and hatred and resentment, then not only do I willingly give away power over my life and my psyche to darkness, but I undermine my ability to help push against it. I can’t work to create a better and kinder world if I am not able to access those feelings within myself. And evil ultimately wins only if you give it real estate inside your brain.
The world around us may be overtaken by darkness well beyond our power to change, but we get to control the light inside us.
Read more: “Protect Your Instrument”
You Decide What Kind of World You Live In
I’m not ignorant of the real pain many will suffer in the coming years, but if I’m able to hold on to my own equanimity and values, then I’m going to be much more able to help.
I can’t control geopolitical forces, or sociopolitical ones, or anyone else’s attitudes or actions. But I can be part of the safety net that catches those who may need it. And I can also trust that when I am one of them, all those good people I see in my life around me will be part of helping to catch me.
In your stories, all is not lost unless your character gives up. As long as they are holding on to the best in themselves then they triumph, whether or not they actually “win.”
Our stories are about the battles our characters fight in order to discover or rediscover or hold on to the best and noblest and brightest within them. At the end we want to see how they have grown, what they have learned, what enlightenment they may have attained that makes their world and the world a better place.
What if our story—our personal one—begins at that point, when we’ve traveled our arcs and reached that enlightenment and growth, and that’s the new reality we live in no matter what is happening in the plot? What are those lessons and growth for if not to allow us to hold on to our selves and claim what goodness and joy is available to us even in the darkest of circumstances?
The most powerful stories aren’t about how your characters defeat forces amassed against them, but rather the inner battles they fight and win in deciding what kind of world they choose to live in.
The most powerful stories aren’t about how your characters defeat forces amassed against them, but rather the inner battles they fight and win in deciding what kind of world they choose to live in.
I believe people are basically decent. And I also believe we are all flawed. We are easily led by fear, we may hate as readily as we love, and we may fall prey to our darkest impulses.
But we ourselves get to choose, day after day after day, which path we take.
As surely as we create our stories and world on the page, we also get to do that within the fertile and fathomless depths of our own mind.
Keep putting the light of your stories into the world. Keep letting the light of your own art and creativity be a part of the joy you create in your life no matter the circumstances around you. Offer help to those who may need it. Be willing to ask for and accept help when it’s you.
Keep remembering that you are not alone in all of this. I’m grateful for all of you here who are part of my own net.
Read more: “How Can Writing Matter in the Face of Suffering?”
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40 Comments. Leave new
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
Thank you, Tiffany, for offering a way out of the doom-scrolling and despair. Your circle of friends is lucky to have you.
Thanks, Pat. Hang in there, and take care of yourself. Last night I changed my browser home page to one without any news headlines, and already that’s given me some mental air.
The Real Person!
The Real Person!
Wise, inspiring words. Just what I needed, just when I needed them. ❤️ For many of us, writing is our superpower. It’s what we can do to help. So we must write on—for the world’s sake, and our own.
Glad to hear it, Lynn. And yes, writing can help change minds and hearts and the world (not to mention being therapeutic for us writers!). Glad you’re here. <3
The Real Person!
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Thank you! I’ve been grappling this morning with my new position—an enemy within? My tennis team includes people of mixed political views. Even our writing community is not homogeneous. We will figure out ways to support each other, and my HEA will be gathering a large group that agrees we have common goals and common ground to start from.
Oh, Chris, I so feel this! My family all vote opposite from my beliefs, as does my best friend from high school. I know these to be people with much good in them, and I can’t just stop loving them. And even if I could, how does that embody the values we’re asking of “the other side”? If we want tolerance and acceptance and love, we have to offer it–not just when people act and believe the way we want them to. No mind was ever changed from hate or shame or an attack.
Meanwhile, as you say, I gather closer with the folks I know share my values and feelings so that we can all lift each other out of the dark when one of us may slide into it. I’m not giving those forces power over me or how I live my life or see the world. Take care of yourself. <3
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Thank you, Tiffany. Yesterday was a total waste. I practiced zero self-care, and mostly just waited for the day to end. I cooked dinner, crying into my apron, then refused to eat it. I went to bed early. Today is a new day. I’m nit letting them have this one. Sending you peace today.
The Real Person!
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Sounds like my day yesterday too! I announced to my husband, “I’ll get back to something resembling myself tomorrow, but today I’m just PISSED.” I think we need to gift ourselves some time to wallow, just for a moment. Glad to know I’m not alone.
Yes! That’s part of what the support framework of loved ones is for, for me–so that when those moments happen I have support and empathy and a safe place to feel what I’m feeling. Take care of yourself. You’re far from alone!
That was me from about 2016 to 2020. I decided I was never again going to let outside forces determine how I live in the world. I won’t adopt a mindset of zero-sum or hatred or fear. I’m glad to hear you’re taking your own world back too. Hang in there. <3
The Real Person!
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Ah, thank you for writing and sharing this. It’s exactly what I needed to read this morning.
I’m glad, Carla. Sharing these thoughts helps me too. <3
The Real Person!
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With a glass of pinot noir, I sat out on my lovely patio and marveled at my pretty flowers. My garden was just as it had been the day before. I shall focus on that!
Thank you, Tiffany, for this piece.
All the best,
Val
Oh, that sounds lovely. I’m also focusing on all the beauty and good–and how unchanged it is by world events.
I don’t think we can make change in the world unless we can hold on to the values we’re trying to bring into it.
The Real Person!
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Just what I needed to hear this morning! Thank you soooo much!
I’m glad, Jan–hang in there!
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Thank you. I have read so many writer’s newsletters and blogs yesterday and today that are inspiring. Your words are wonderful and balm for the soul. We are all in this together, and I love being a part of the writing community. It is a wonderful place!
I agree! I just read a beautiful post from Sarah Callender on Writer Unboxed, and one from Angela Ackerman, both inspiring and comforting. This is a wonderful community. And artists are the changemakers.
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— i read a helpful little nugget that might help others too. a meditation teacher said that depression and despair come from thinking we know exactly what will happen in the future. they went on to advise that we to keep this in mind–we never know *exactly* what will happen. it’s been my mantra lately, a crack in the door of the dark room that’s let in a little light. maybe it works for some of you too.
That’s so wise, Lulu! And so true. It reminds me of that Chinese proverb, “Good news, bad news–who can say?” We don’t know what may happen, and we can’t change much of it. But we can choose our day-to-day reality as far as our mental state, and that’s what I’m trying to focus on. Take care. <3
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What beautiful, powerful words. Knowing there is a community out there helps so much. Thank you.
There is! We have to remember how many, and find them. <3
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The quote: ‘people get the government they deserve’, attributed to various pundits in various forms, is not true. People get the government that the majority of them elect. And, since a majority did elect them, we live with the consequences. Then, as you say, we can try to make those consequences that we can influence or affect the best they can be.
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True. The majority got what they wanted. Now let’s see if they want what they get.
I don’t whether it’s more daunting if they do or if they don’t…. SO much of my disappointment and heartache about this is that right now I worry many believe they do want what he is peddling.
The majority of those who voted, yes–and certainly many more people than I would have hoped could subscribe to the messages and the tenor that has become the new GOP. I’m deeply disappointed in that. But yes, we live with the consequences. We do have the power not to subscribe to that worldview, though, and to support and help one another in upholding the light. Take care of yourself, Deborah.
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Interesting to see that you, and so many others here, had the same response that I did — don’t try to have a normal day, because nothing is normal now, but don’t sit and make myself crazy, either. So I’ve been slowly doing small projects that can’t possibly go wrong — paying bills, making non-frustrating phone calls, clearing a bit of space on my work table, stuff like that. Little treats like calling friends, making a healthy lunch, and finally saying Yes to a theatre mini-subscription we hadn’t gotten around to pulling the trigger on made me feel there might be something to live for.
That’s lovely, Claudia–and how we will endure…but also how we hold on to joy and light and our values and selves. Glad you’re here, too.
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Thanks for the perspective, Tiffany. Letting go of what we can’t change while still being aware those awful things are still there will be important during the next four years. Helping those who are most affected by whatever things are to come is the only way to deal with this. And then, once the pendulum swings back toward sanity, we will help each other pick up the pieces yet again.
And so it goes throughout history, right? All we can do is keep reaching for the best in us. Take care of yourself.
The Real Person!
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Well done, Tiffany. My pov is very very similar. I also look to the learning that comes with whatever suffering has been\is my portion in life. Some very wise ones link joy and suffering – Suffering being the price of soul level joy, a joy of such great spiritual depth that it offsets suffering. Not going out looking for it, but I feel flat- not outraged and ragged like mtn peaks and barely containing it as in the past – but as if poised for whatever comes. Bringing my highest and best forward while holding fast to that deep inner light and love that guides and transforms when we reach in.
I love your work, miss your series -loved that dog and so many great characters. Be well and stay wise, so many love you and send you loving vibes.
Thank you, Mary! For the kind words (about my novels, too!), and for the wise ones about suffering and joy, and holding on to our light. I welcome the reminders, and the connection. <3
The Real Person!
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Wow, I am new here, but thank you, Tiffany, for such wise and soothing words that reminded me of what I already knew but lost sight of in my colossal disappointment and shock. I really appreciate that the most powerful stories are those of the inner battles we and our characters face and navigate.
Welcome, Emily! Thanks for the kind word. I’m glad the post hit the right chord–and glad you’re here in a community that feels more important to me than ever.
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In complete transparency, I belong in the camp of your family and best friend…and was quite worried about what the future would hold if the results had been different, because we were never really allowed to get to know her. And I had serious trust issues with her running mate.
Having said all that, I follow a woman on Instagram who is a conservative lesbian with a little boy, so not what one would call a “traditional conservative” — and she made a brilliant suggestion that would help all of us, regardless of political leaning, figure out if our fears are well placed or something created by the media we listen to. She said, “Take a sheet of paper and write down all the things you are worried will happen with the incoming administration. Put the date at the top and stick it in a drawer.” She recommended reviewing it in a year to see if any of those things have come true…and if they have, then we’ll know the media is telling the truth and if they haven’t, then maybe we are putting too much trust in the media.
No matter which side of the aisle one sits, none of us should live in fear of things that will never happen, and should always treat each other with kindness.
Thanks for the comment, Laura. I would like to hope that most of us are hoping our worst fears don’t come to fruition. I think many of us worry not necessarily because of the media–which so many have lost faith in–but because so many things have been overtly promised either by the president-elect directly, or in the form of warnings from his former inner circle–cabinet members, generals, chief of staff, etc.–that are, in fact, some our worst fears. I genuinely hope that many people who voted for him as a candidate didn’t do it out of a desire to see those things enacted, but I think the fear that so many might is what’s behind people’s concerns right now, especially the most vulnerable.
We all love our country. We all share many values: our families and loved ones, freedom, dignity. I hope we remember our better angels. I hope we find a way to come together as a nation and not further divide. I hope, as you say, we lead with kindness.
If you are interested, I’ve been touting a news site called Tangle–you may have recently heard of it on This American Life. It’s a truly nonpartisan news outlet that presents straight, unslanted news, and then perspectives from the left and from the right, and then the founder/editor’s take, which though I don’t agree with it 100 percent of the time, I have found to be a very evenhanded, neutral, meticulous examination of the facts and what they might mean and augur. It’s a site that encourages people to make up their own minds, free of slant, and I think if we all tried more to do that, it might go a long way toward healing our divisions. It would at least put us all on the same playing field.
I appreciate your sharing your view.
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This feels so profound, thank you for your wise words. I haven’t been able to absorb much, and I’m so glad I got around to reading your entire post. I’m angry (less than 33% of registered voters voted him in — so many sat this out) and very very sad. I’ll focus on community and helping others and will figure out how best to also use my energies to help lay the groundwork for 2026. All or most house seats and about 1/3 of the senate will be standing for reelection. I’m worried about the damage that will happen to all of us, even those who voted for him.
Anger and sadness are predominant emotions for me too at the moment–ones I’m trying not to succumb to as I did in 2016, but rather to recognize how much good there is in my immediate surroundings, and to try to accept what is, what I can’t affect or change–and also to do something where I can make a difference, which also helps me (and hopefully helps those who may need it more than ever). Community is a strong value for me as well, and I want to try to be a builder of it, even across divides. I don’t see any other way for our country to come back together and continue to function as the democracy I thought–and I hope–that nearly all of us hold dear.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Leslie–it seems to lighten this load for me to connect with other people.
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I needed this. Thank you for hopefulness. Ditto to all the comments before me:)
I’m glad it helped, Sharon. It’s a tough time!